It's the alcohol talking



It was late at night
I was done watching my series on Netflix
I was about to cuddle up with my pillow for the night,
the way I used to cuddle up with you.

Out of nowhere, my phone started ringing
and I saw a familiar number on the screen.
Flashbacks started
A gush of memories started blowing up in my head.

My heart started racing as I received the call
I started feeling paranoid
as you asked, "How have you been?"

You told me that you miss me every day
And how the front seat of your car reminds you of me.
You told me that I know you, in a way no other can.
I have always been the first person you always snuck to
whenever you used to feel low.

You started talking about the things
that we used to do.
You remembered how I used to drag you
into restaurants saying you didn't want to go
but deep down you were always fine with it.
So one day, when somebody else does the same,
I hope you remember me.

But, you didn't apologise
for the things that you did to me.
For a moment, I felt that I was dreaming.
I was the happiest person,
even after knowing that nothing can be mended now.

Then, all of a sudden, I realised.
It wasn't you.
It was your alcohol talking to me.

Alas! I was so wrong.
I am your go-to person,
your go-to place
when you are sloshed in alcohol and when she is not around.

I am not your 11:11 wish,
I am your 1 am drunk-call confession.

So, it's okay we ended,
forever is not a concept I am very religious about.
But what we had, you will remember it forever.
You will remember me forever.

Once again, alcohol wins over "love."

I have hated my heart for loving so much
But then I learned that one can only get hurt so bad
if they carry love in their heart.

When you have been hurt so much
that you can actually feel a hole in your chest.
There comes a time when you don't wish to feel good anymore.

You no longer look for the butterflies.
You just wish for the pain to go away,
to go numb so that you can get rid
of the hollow feeling before it eats you from the inside.

There have been days where I was hoping
that someone would see through the tears I was holding back.

Maybe I am a little straightforward.
But, I wish you find someone
who would ignore you
just the way you ignore the people who love you.

On some days,
it is easy to top your priority list,
while on the other days,
people don't even make it to that priority list.

People say no response is also a response in itself.
You have put my brain into an endless phase of overthinking.
Ignoring someone is one thing.
Ignoring them for absolutely no reason is another.

I don't think about you now
when they play love songs.
Instead, I think of you
when they play songs about heartbreak.

Whenever you smiled
I replayed it frequently,
Not realising that
it was not heartfelt.

I kept thinking of you,
blurring the lines of my imagination and reality.
I brushed it all off even when you didn't make efforts
when in truth you were not considerate.

You promised everything
and gave nothing when I was ready to bestow anything.
I wrote paragraphs for you,
about us together forever but the ink stayed
while you faded away.

For every compliment you gave,
I blushed as I had an admirer
but not a person who respected.

It's funny that people you will love
will think whatever it is that you are having with them will last.
I don't blame them.
People always promise the skies and give away the stones.

What do you know of love until you kiss someone
and find a bitter taste of someone else's lips on theirs.

How did you let go of years of love for seconds of indulgence?
They say you always hurt the ones you love, is that so?

You say it was a mistake.
But, it wasn't your mistake.
It was my mistake to love you.
All of this was my mistake, honestly.

All sloshed in alcohol,
one evening,
You told me things I didn't want to know.



Nothing happens out of the blue.
Hotel rooms are more comfortable than bedrooms.
But I know the difference between comfort and happiness.
And, you don't.

I hope you make right choices when you love again.
I hope you learn to love people,
and not ruin them.

What I thought was love,
was actually a hollow heart
and I regret that I ever met you.

I tried to make constellations with you
when you were not even a star,
to begin with.

I hate myself for putting my time and energy in you.
You drained the shit out of me.

You give and you give and then they leave.
You  finally figure out how to live.
And, all of a sudden they attempt to return.
Claiming to miss you.

But, close that door for good.
Forever!

The world is sad
Even the happy people just pretend it well.

The world cannot see the dark patches beneath your eyes
only because of how elegantly you are smiling
as if you were this happy always.

I can see how broken you are
how much you have been controlling your emotions and tears.

The world has seen your daylight charm
Not the hidden despair of sleepless pillow hugging nights.

But hey, that is okay.
Yes! That is okay because sadness too has a reason
to make you feel lost, make you feel unwanted
and detach you from the crazy world.

The self loathing is quite imperative.

It is said you are actually happy
when you bring out your emotions to the world.

Life will always seem unfair
There are infinite reasons for it.
You are in a battlefield between pretending to be happy
and killing the sadness within you.

I have often been asked
Why don't I like flowers?

Don't you think, happiness is just like a rose?
You feel the softness at first,
then the thorns hurt you,
Hurt you so bad that it imprints in you for life.

Finally, a full fledged reason for not liking flowers ever.

We are all hurt in ways we hide it from the world.
But let me tell you,
Emotions are bound to make you feel a lot of things.

It is good to have emotions
Even drowning in emotions is agreeable.
Enough validation for having a heart.

Pretending has never helped, never will.
Stop hiding your scars beneath those beautiful eyes.
Help each other heal
LOVE is glorious,
LOVE is everything,
LOVE is everything,
Just remember that. 

You were fifteen or probably sixteen or somewhere in your teen days, already an outcast in your class and among your friends and family.
But you stayed strong all along because someone once told you

the strange and weird ones are the beautiful ones,
and you believed it with every breath in your bones.

Clearly when you sat in that hospital bed,
you waited for every inch of your pain to end from inside out.

You didn't even bother telling your friends or family
because you knew they wouldn't care.
You stayed strong and acted like an adult.
They gave you more or less, a year or so.

And you thought to yourself it was better this way.

At least you came with a timestamp
unlike the rest of us who will always be uncertain.

It would hurt less to the ones who care, you said
and laughed it off, as if trying to hide your pain.

You stayed strong and rarely complained to the surrounding people.
There was a detailed way paved to your end.

They built skyscrapers of prescription boxes and counted pills
as you drank multiple liquids.

You stayed strong and bore it all with a smile on your face
leaving everyone flabbergasted.
How could you bear so much and still smile your way through it all?

You stayed strong and prevented your fall on myriads of occasions.

Minutes turned into hours in hospital wards,
and the longest night became the talk of the town but you stayed strong.

Each pill was called a 'cruel kindness'
and each medication was called 'the ray of hope.'

Somewhere the treatments marched their way in.
The firsts came in a panic
and then slowed their way knocking peacefully each time at your door. 

A bit of casual scar, a bit of needle piercing your body blissfully.
All of it was a calculated mess.

Eventually, you broke for the first time
You broke like a maniac
You became paranoid

All you wanted was love,

All they could give you was a tablet and said, 'Take this and die slowly.'

Hello everyone!

Hello everyone!
How have all of you been? It's been almost a year since I disappeared from here and stopped writing. Not exactly stopped writing but then I didn't feel like writing. I have been lying here on my bed with my laptop open and constantly staring at the blank screen and banging my head for almost about an hour now and just thinking about what to write and share with you guys. I mean there are tons and tons of things to be shared yet some particular things stay with me for some reason. Maybe, coming back is for good. I hope you all are enjoying summer/monsoon. I hope that you are living a little more, smiling a little more, embracing this life, no matter what.

Today, I am sharing with you my birthday outfit. It's been two long weeks since my birthday but then, it's about midi/maxi dresses. Midi/Maxi dresses made their way quietly into our lives and are here to stay for quite a long time now. They have a become a woman's best friend especially for those hot and humid days. It is so easy to just throw it on and walk out of the house for the day. I wore a black midi dress with small printed red flowers all over it. I got it from Sarojni Nagar which is a big steal because these dresses don't come cheap if bought from the stores. It has full sleeves with a V-neck and buttons on the front. It is a button down midi dress. To amp up the look, I decided to cinch my waist with a classic brown buckle belt. It gives shape to your body and makes you look well put together. A pair of an amazing footwear can do wonders to any outfit. I paired my midi dress with a pointed toe red ankle boots from Zara. If you ask me about the heels, they are super comfy. Lastly, to accessorise a bit, I got my oversized sunglasses and small hoop earrings from Shein and matched my bag which is from Zara with my boots. All the red was to match the small printed red flowers on my dress. Midi dresses are a boon to all the women who are lazy to dress up but still wanna look well put together.